Ghost of You
by a-light-of-hope
Summary: When Dan comes home one afternoon, he finds a letter he wish he didn't get. A letter that changes his life forever. AmazingPhil and Danisnotonfire. PHAN. R&R I hope you like it. warning: death. don't read if you don't like reading about...well, death.
1. Chapter 1-Dan

**Hey guys, this is my first Phan story..so I hope you like it. :) It's just a one shot...but if I get good feedback I might make other chapters.**

**So, read, review, and enjoy (:**

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**Dan's P.O.V.**

_Dan,_

_I'm sorry I left, I'm sorry I had to leave this way. You're not my best friend. Nor are you my brother. You're the centre of my world. You're my partner in crime, you're my rock, you're my other half, you're my everything. I'm sorry I couldn't do this in person, I knew you would stop me. But the thing is, I don't want to be stopped this time._

_Do you remember when we first met? It was raining (very cliche I know, but stop laughing) and I was just sitting on the park bench, getting soaked. And then you cam along and shared your umbrella with me. I remember looking up and seeing your eyes, they gave me goosebumps. "I'm Dan." You had said._

_Daniel you mean alot to me. Alot more than you should. I care about you, more than I should. I love you, more than I should. I should've told you this years ago, but here goes nothing. I love you Dan, more than a friend. I'm in love with you. You mean the world to me. And I don't care if you're disgusted with me, because I am gone. But if there's that small chance you love me back, I'll wait for you. Forever._

_This isn't a "goodbye" letter. Because it isn't a goodbye. It's an "I'll see you soon." And I will. I promise._

_Much Love, Phil._

_P.S. I left a video for the Phillions on my laptop, one for you, one for my family, and one for my friends. I have left my diary and all my things here. I'm sorry._

_P.P.S. I suppose you'll want to know how I am doing this. My diary will explain it all._

_**xo**.  
_

I stared at the page, tears streaming down my cheeks.

Phil...Phil Phil Phil. Why didn't I tell you when I had the chance? Why didn't you tell me? I should've told you before it all came to this. It's my fault you're gone. It's my fault you ended your life. Phil, oh Phil, why didn't you talk to me about it? All those times I had talked you out of it before, why didn't you come to me? I could've saved you. Like all those other times? But I didn't save you. Some "friend" I turned out to be.

"Dan?" I heard her voice call from the living room, "Danny what's taking you so long?" She whined. The next minute, she was standing in the kitchen, her hands on her hips.

"Get out.." I mumbled, staring at the sheet of paper in my hands, my head hanging so she couldn't see that I had been crying just a few seconds before.

"Excuse me?" She sounded shocked.

"I said get out! And don't call me Danny." I growled, now looking up at her. Memories of Phil calling me Danny to annoy me came back, and tears sprang to my eyes.

"I don't know what your problem is Dan, but I am your girlfriend I have every right to-"

"I SAID GET OUT TAYLA!" I yelled at her, standing up and slamming my hands on the counter, causing the fruit bowl to shake.

She huffed and turned around, storming out the door. I sank onto the floor, trying to breathe. Trying to take this all in. Phil was gone. He was gone forever. No. He said so himself, he said he'll see me soon. "I love you, Phil." I whispered to myself. I clutched the note in my hands as I brang my knees to my chest and rested my arms on my knees. I put my head down on my arms, crying loudly.

I heard three knocks at the door.

"GO AWAY TAYLA!" I yelled.

"It's not Tayla mate!" I recognised the voice as PJ's. I completely forgot... We had planned to have a sleepover with Chris and Phil. But now it was only us three.. "_Us three"_ it didn't sound right. Phil is still with us, he always will be. It's still us four, and always will be. "_Us four_"... it sounds perfect.

I kept on crying on the kitchen floor, ignoring the shouts at the door.

"ALRIGHT MATE, WE'RE BREAKING THE DOOR!" I heard Chris yell. I didn't care. I wasn't really listening anyways...until I heard a massive bang. I still didn't care. I wanted Phil back.

"Dan?" I heard them call out. "Daaaaan?" Chris whined. I remember Phil doing that whenever he couldn't find me. I cried louder and harder. "In the kitchen." Chris said. I heard their footfalls on the floor as they ran to the kitchen.

"Dan? Oh god, Dan what happened?" PJ asked, kneeling down in front of me. I ignored him. I felt him taking the note out of my hand, and read it aloud.

"Dan, I'm sorry I left, I'm sorry I had to leave this way..." I stopped listening. A few seconds later, Chris was at my side, his arm around my shoulders.

"Mate, he's still with you, he's still with us." Chris said, trying to comfort not only me, but himself and PJ too. I looked up at Chris, seeing tears rolling down his cheeks, too. I looked at PJ. His body was shaking.

"I miss him...it's all my fault. I should've stopped him like all those other times. I loved him Chris," I say, "no, I still do love him. I always will." I say, pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes.

"Look, Dan, I think me and Peej should go, you can stay here. I think you need time to think. It isn't your fault mate. We'll be back tomorrow." Chris said, hugging me tightly. I nodded. I looked at the both of them. Both of their eyes were red and puffy. I stood up to hug them properly.

"He's still in your heart. He'll always be there." PJ whispered to me as he squeezed me tightly. I nodded, holding back tears. I hugged Chris again, and whispered a "thank you" to him. He responded by patted my back.

I watched as they left, waving to me sadly.

As soon as the door shut, I almost ran into the bathroom. I was going to be sick. I flipped the toilet seat up as I retched up all I had eaten. I spat, and flushed. I went to the sink, rinsing my mouth out.

I looked up at my reflection in the mirror. I searched for that boy who would make a sarcastic joke, who would smile and laugh at cats on the internet. But no, he was gone. All that was left was a body. A body with no one inside. Like a corpse. The boy's eyes were dead. His face was blank. He was dead. I looked down at the sink, squeezing my eyes shut.

"Dan..." my head snaps up. _You're imagining things now_. I told myself. Although I wish I wasn't. I all of a sudden felt warm, like someone had hugged me after a cold day. Phil. He had done it. He had killed himself...just like he said.

"I love you Phil." I don't know why I said it. I thought that maybe he'd heard it. I thought that maybe he'd hear it and say it back. I just hope he was here...I hope he heard. And he did. A warm rush of wind sent shivers down my spine. Phil.

Days had passed since Phil's passing. Today, I was going to his favourite park. The one that had a cliff that showed a beautiful sunset. I tugged on my skinny jeans, and Phil's red and black flannel shirt. I smiled at the familiar scent. The one I missed so much.

It was about a fifteen minute walk to the park. I locked the door behind me, leaving with my hobbit hair, the hair Phil had said he liked. The birds chirped in their tree's, the cool morning breeze hit me, wafting Phil's scent back to me again. I smiled. I reached the park quicker than I thought.

"Rest in peace Phil. You'll never be forgotten, you'll always be in my heart. I love you."

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**OHAI. So yeah, let me know if you want other chapters. I might do them :) Yeah.**

**Thanks for reading guys! ex oh ex oh~gossip goat.**

**~How Stubborn Are The Scars That Don't Fade Away, Are They Just A Gentle Reminder That Now Are Better Days?~**


	2. Chapter 2-Phil

**You guys asked for it! so here it is! Chapter 2 of Ghost of You! I hope you enjoy it in Phils perspective as much as you did when it was Dan's (:**

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**Phil's P.O.V.**

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The pen was poised at the top of the paper, ready to write. But I wasn't. I didn't know what to write. _To Dan_, sounded too...unlike me. _ Dear Dan, _ was something you'd write to a relative...and _To Dear Dan_, I hated it. It was just too much. I sighed, flicking the hair off my face once again. I decided to start with a simple, _Dan_.

About half an hour later, I had left the note on the counter. I decided to go in the outfit dan had once chosen out for me. It was my normal pair of black skinny jeans, and our Danisnotonfire and AmazingPhil t-shirt. I glanced at my watch. Dan would be home soon. He'd find the note. I looked around the house and smiled, closing the door behind me.

The cold london air made me wish I'd brought a jumper. But what would it matter? I'd be gone soon.

It took almost another half an hour to reach the bridge. Nobody was around. Good. No fans could see me and tweet about it before I'd had even jumped. A small smile picked at my lips, but I forced it down.

I took a step onto the bottom railing. A feeling in my gut told me not to do this. But I had to. Dan didn't understand. Nobody did. Although, I'd never told anyone why I wanted to kill myself.

I stepped up onto the highest rail, gripping onto the pole before I looked at the sky.

"I love you Dan Howell!" I yelled. What? Nobody was around. I let go of the railing, and allowed myself to fall head first into the water.

I didn't realise I was holding my breath, until I realised I was trying to swim back up. Everything was fading. No! I had to tell Dan in person! It's too late. I see my arms go limp and everything fades to back.

My name was Philip Michael Lester. I suffered from self harm, bulimia and anorexia. And I was a suicide victim. On the 19th of December, 2012, I took my own life, by jumping into a river, and letting the water flow into my lungs and watched the darkness blind me. I'm guessing you want to know why. Dan didn't know. I still got hate mails saying, 'kill yourself you dirty faggot' even after high school until now. I am still bullied, cyber bullied and hated on everyday. Today was the day I ended my life, to bullies.

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**IT'S SHORT I KNOW, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO WRITE.**

**I hope you guys like it. Maybe if I get good feedback again, the next chapter might be the final chapter! :)**

Basically what I'm trying to say is, that the words you say to people hurt, and most commit suicide. I can't tell you to stop, but I just want everyone to know that words hurt. Yes everyone has said some hurtful words, even me, but the amount of teens killing themselves is too damn high! xoxo~ Gossip Goat.

**peace, love and magic,**  
** AvisQueen.**


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